LilDrummerFrog’s Blog

The hamsters in my brain have been running faster than ever lately. With every thought that has entered into my head, it all has a bottom line…whats the cost? Children are expensive, expecially with new borns. Although I am extremely blessed, not only from my husband, but from my family as well, it breaks my heart that not every soon to be mother is in the same situation. I have decided that I am going to start a very simple mission project that is going to help in more ways than most people will ever realize. I am going to collect diapers, diaper rash cream, formula, baby bottles(PLASTIC ONLY), and diaper bags. If you would like to donate or help out to start a mission in your area, please let me know.

Its weird how after everything that I’ve been through in my life, the one thing that I’ve truly been afraid of was to carry life inside of me. I’ve always said that there was no way that I would ever get pregnant. I made that promise to myself to not go through it, mostly due to fear. I am truly starting to see that what you are most afraid of, God puts into your life to show you that you can handle it with his help.

Last week, I found out that I was about 7 weeks along. I felt like I had been hit in the stomach when the doctor told me that. I know that 8 weeks along doesnt sound like that far but considering a child is born between 36-40 weeks in the womb, thats scary, I have between 28-32 weeks to go. January will be here sooner than I know it.

I still get into the mind frame that I’m still a child, even though I have 6 children who depend on me everyday. Now that there is a little one on the way, I have so many questions running through my head. Can I really do this? Can I really give this child the life it deserves while still being there for the oldest children? What happens when the older children feel different because this is biologically Adam and I’s child and the others are adopted? Is Adam going to be home for it’s delievery?

I make jokes about everything going on but honestly, this is one time I am truly scared out of my mind. I have been praying about it, but I’m having a hard time giving it completely over to God. Its a real struggle to fight with the details of everything that is going to be involved with the baby. I don’t know if this is hormones or what, but I just feel like this is impossible. I am grateful for my mom helping me the most through everything. Without her, I don’t know what I would do. I’m still praying that God’s will be done, but also I’m praying this gets easier emotionally.

So a lot has happened. I guess I should start from about 3 weeks ago. I went to Colorado with my brother. We had a great time out there. The two of us hooked up with a family out there that really taught us a lot. While out there, I found out that my son’s biological mother is petioning the court for custody. I was really hurt when everything unfolded. The boys (AJ, Austin, Logan, Trevor) were taken into custody of the state until the court hearing. I figured my family needed me, so I came back to Missouri.

I have been praying like non-stop about what to do. My husband phoned tonight and him and I talked in depth about the situation. He said that he feels Nicole is trying to have a fresh start with the kids. I know that I would love the kids to be back here with me, but right now, that might not be what they need. They need to be kept together and made sure they are safe. I really want what is best for them. I love those boys a lot and really wish that Nicole steps up and does right by them.

Since all this has happened. I have really pulled into myself and isolated from a lot of people. I haven’t been this hurt in a long time. I don’t know how to explain the feelings I was having. So many things were running through my head. But looking back at everything that has happened, I can see that things got really hard and I got into my head when I stopped talking to God about what he had in store. Sure, I would pray about the situation, but it was always along the lines of “Please return my boys back home where they belong.” I was getting NO WHERE. I had a serious heart to heart with my husband and it felt like a weight was lifted off of me. I will still continue praying for the situation, but my prayer will not be the same. It is my prayer that God’s will be done. If God wants the boys back with their biological mother, then there is a reason for it. I have enough faith in God that no matter what happens, there is a reason for it. Just like everything else that has happened in my life. I may not see it right now, but God does.

I haven’t posted in a couple days now, but I am just so on fire for God. Last night Josh’s brother called me and said that Josh’s EEG was showing brain activity. I am so excited. When I hear stuff happening like this, you can not tell me that God isn’t in control. Life is just awesome right now. I miss my husband but spending time with my mom and family has been very helpful. I am starting a lifegroup through lifechurch. Along with a friend of mine, this should be awesome. Its for teen girls. I am so pumped about it. Ive gotten several good books the past couple days but if y’all have any suggestions for girls or growing closer to God, please feel free to share it.

Last night, I got a phonecall that one of my youth group members back in Alabama had gotten behind the wheel of  a car on New Years Eve. He was drunk and decided to drive his friend’s car. I am having a hard time coping with that news because Josh is only 15. I lost two others from my youth group already and I’ve only been there since mid-September.  So thats just one issue I’m having right now. I went to check my voicemails on my phone to see if I had a voicemail from Josh’s mom or brother. My husband called and left me a voicemail saying that he really wished he could have talked to me because he found out today that he is not coming home in Feb like it was orignally planned. He is getting deployed straight to Iraq from Saudi for a year. I really hate this war and I wish it was over. Not just for my husband but for all the men and women who are serving a war. I wanna go back to being the happy family that you see in the picture above.

I had a dream last night that was kind of weird. One of the guys from LifeChurch openned up a home for troubled teens and I ended up working there. I was sitting at my desk and he walked in. We had a full on conversation and it was so vivid that it felt very real. It was weird because I don’t usually dream like that and I don’t know what to make of it. I know that I will always be taken care of like job-wise, but lately I just feel like I am getting pulled into a new direction.

Last night my children surprised me. Their grandfather (My husband’s dad) arranged for them to travel up here and Sam (my brother) picked them up. So the 6 of them arrived last night not long after dinner. It was really good seeing them and catching up. Having 6 excited children in your face telling you about Christmas. Even AJ was excited about Christmas and after what happened with his best friend, I am glad to see him doing so well. Austin has a black eye now and it doesn’t surprise me. My kids are so like me — the story I got was that he was rough housing with Logan and things went too far. Which knowing the boys, that’s probably only half true. Logan’s front two teeth are back in, and he has lost another 2 while he was at grandpa’s house. Colby is really getting a lot better with his English, I can tell his brothers have been helping him. Then there was Trevor, my baby boy. He stuck to me like glue when he got home, he only left my side for about 10 minutes to play with the twins. Bromley was loving the attention from my mom. I am happy she is adjusting so well to her new home and situation. It was just awesome. I can’t really describe this feeling I have right now. The best way I can put it into words is that this just feels right. Being home with my mom, and having my kids here. Its not that its easy being here because its not. But it helps me to not feel so alone with my husband being overseas. This morning we are making pancakes as a family. This should be interesting or atleast very messy. Having 9 (my 6, the twins, and my niece) kids in the kitchen trying to help.

This is my first blog on this new site. It is weird typing one handed. Tuesday night was really bad. My mom said I scared her half to death. I was in tears and she said I was white as a sheet, from the pain. Apparently they didn’t set my wrist right on Sunday. So back to the ER we went and they cut my pretty pink cast off. They rebroke and properly set my wrist and now I have a blah white one. I could have gotten another color but this way at least my kids and the kids in my youth group can have some fun drawing on it. I am really up in the air about the whole pain medicines issue. I have had problems in the past handling them, and now that I have them again, I don’t know if my stomach can handle them. I’m trying to like work through the pain of my wrist, but if anyone has any suggestions, I would greatly appreciate them. If this all sounds familiar its because I took it off of my other blogsite and put it on here. I wanted a blog that others could comment on. I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful start to the new year.